


The Weight of Any Fear

by MistyBeethoven



Series: "Yes, I Really Am This Pathetic!" or "How to Say I Love You With a Story" [40]
Category: Sweet November (2001)
Genre: Attraction, BBW, Boss/Employee Relationship, F/M, Falling In Love, Friendship/Love, Grief/Mourning, Hugs, Kissing, Love, Love Confessions, Love Stories, Misunderstandings, Office Party, Overweight, Secretaries, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Indulgent, Self-Insert, Weight Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-05-22
Packaged: 2021-03-02 03:40:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 15,749
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23588551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/MistyBeethoven/pseuds/MistyBeethoven
Summary: After Sara Deever's passing, Nelson Moss comes to work at his friend Chaz Watley's ad agency, Baker and Bohanen. I am Chaz's secretary but he gives me to Nelson in the hope that the grieving man and I will become friends. While I at first win my new boss' anger over a few criticisms about his lost love, we soon grow closer. So close that Chaz begins to suspect that Nelson has feelings for me and realizes that I am in love with him too.However, following Baker and Bohanen assigning Nelson with a new account concerning a fitness center, I soon fear that my boss is intentionally trying to get me to quit, embarrassed by my plus size. Overhearing a conversation between him and Chaz further strengthens this belief and I hand Nelson my resignation thinking it is what he truly wants.At my small going away party, though, Chaz shows me just how wrong I am when he urges Nelson and I to kiss each other goodbye. We both eventually reveal our fears only to discover how much they truly weigh in the end.
Relationships: Brandon/Chaz Watley, Chaz Watley & Me, Nelson Moss/Me, Nelson Moss/Sara Deever
Series: "Yes, I Really Am This Pathetic!" or "How to Say I Love You With a Story" [40]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1589944
Kudos: 7





	1. Hired, Fired, Rehired

**Author's Note:**

> I've said it before but I initially did not like Nelson Moss. I thought he was a jerk and I want the time I spent watching that horrid Hot Dog pitch paid back pronto. However, I soon became fond of him the more I realized that Sara Deever was possibly demented. She started to grate on my nerves after having liked her in the beginning. She was flighty, selfish, irresponsible, juvenile and running away from her fears. Not to mention, she was a delusional tramp. Sorry. At least, an honest woman would never pretend that her one night stands had some deeper meaning. Sure Sara dragged them on for a month but that was all that they were in the end: brief flings because she intended for them to never last. 
> 
> To assume she knew best for any of the men she picked was conceited and stupid also. Yes, I know she was dying! I don't care! Bad reckless behavior is still bad behavior! At least, Nelson realized he was being selfish and a bad, egotistical human being. Did Sara? I doubt it.
> 
> I don't like Manic Pixie Dream Girls! They are annoying and destructive, wrecking men's lives and worst of all the films they are in never seem to realize how horrible and nasty they are! They give more impressionable women the wrong ideas that they can take over a man's life and they are just so adorable they can get away with it.
> 
> They can't and shouldn't be able to!
> 
> Like "Housesitter." Have you ever seen that? Goldie Hawn's character constantly lies about Steve Martin's and gets everyone mad at him and wrecks his years' long relationship and love for another woman. And yet we're supposed to cheer for her? When I was younger I did but the last time I watched it...seriously he should have phoned the police and told them that there was a strange, crazy woman he'd slept with once living in his home. That would have made more sense and been far healthier.
> 
> Also, what's the point of loving some guy if you want to change everything about him? Is that really love? You might as well get involved with a piece of play-doh then. I believe in helping somebody if they *need* and *want* help but you love somebody for what they are not what you can turn them into.
> 
> But enough of that rant. Now on to the story...

Nelson Moss had come to work at Baker and Bohanen and I had very shortly fallen in love with him.

I hadn't ever expected that I would when my boss, Chaz Watley, had first informed me that one of his friends would soon be working at the advertising company where I worked as Watley's secretary and if I wouldn't mind very much becoming Nelson Moss' new one. At least, until Moss had managed to get himself settled in. I had looked down at the desk which had been my work station ever since I had come to work at Baker, Bohanen and Chaz Watley had hired me as his secretary, even though I had very few references on my resume at the time and only the fact that I was a very speedy and fairly accurate typist to reccomend that anyone should hire me to begin with. The fact that I was overweight had also done me few favors finding work in San Francisco, since I had moved there, but Chaz Watley had hired me all the same. When I had found out that my new boss was gay, had an alter ego named Cherry and was happily living with a man named Brandon it all made perfect sense.

What didn't make sense was why Chaz would hand his secretary over to another Baker, Bohanen ad exec when we'd become pretty used to each other and were fond of one another to boot.

After a little prodding, Chaz looked at me and whispered solemnly, "He was Sara's November."

"Ohhhh," I said in sympathy and understanding.

Sara Deever had been one of Chaz Watley's best friends. She was a free spirit; one whom, after she had found out she was dying, had taken to finding a man she deemed as hopelessly lost and subsequently devoted a month to help make him into a better person. This always sounded kind of pompous and flippantly sexual to me, but I kept that bit to myself. She was dying, after all, and probably not exactly thinking straight. Sara had finally passed away at the end of last December, surrounded by the family she had finally reconciled with, which meant if Nelson Moss had been her _November_ he was also probably her _last_.

And from what Chaz had always disclosed during his own grief, Sara's last had fallen in love with her.

It was now almost half a year since Sara Deever had died and Moss was apparently struggling and in need not only of a job but also of a little human kindness and warmth.

"Nelson has been out of work since Jabe & Dunne handed him his pink slip over the loss of the Leach Dr. Diggety account," Chaz stated. "And after Sara's death, and her not allowing him to be there, the man is a mess in need of some friends to support him. Friends he has very few of it turns out."

"And you think I could be one of those?" I asked skeptically.

Chaz knew that I was painfully shy and completely inept at social skills. I tended to be quiet and keep to myself and could count my friends on one hand even if it were to lose half of its fingers. My boss was used to joking about it infact. Often he'd ask where the loud and boisterous big girl, a la Mama Cass or Pearl Bailey, he'd requested had gone and why he'd gotten one in the timid, wallflower variety instead. Now, however, he saw it as a blessing.

"You're soft and your sweet and gentle. But you can spit fire when you're good and pissed off. Just what our boy, Nelson needs right now," Watley stated.

I sighed and thought of Nelson Moss and how he'd been abducted into Sara's little experiment and attempt to make her own life meaningful in the face of her impending death. It had been selfish in a way and conceited and irresponsible to hijack men's lives and think she could fix them, as if she knew what was best. It was probably the way any control freak would ignorantly try to save face when faced with that which they could never control: mortality. Still, I felt bad for her and especially for this Nelson she had made fall in love with her without letting him know the whole truth.

"Fine," I stated. "I'll be his secretary while he settles in."

"And his friend?" Chaz pointed a finger at me and raised his brows.

"And that too if we don't annoy one another too much," I agreed. "And if he will want me to be one," I muttered under my breath once the boss was out of earshot.

* * *

Being overweight, I hadn't always found it easy to make friends. Mostly those I had found were equally shy or felt as if they did not fit in as well. I was too sensitive and self aware. My mind over analyzed everything and a bullying voice there always told me that what I said came out sounding stupid or silly. Having been teased mercilessly at school, tormented by a mean spirited father and criticized by his cruel mother had not helped. While my mom had gotten my sister and myself out of that latter situation when I was eleven, it had left scars. The kids at the new school I had attended had routinely cut those wounds open a fresh and left their own marks until I was left doubting anybody would find me attractive or interesting enough to actually want to be friends with me.

I doubted that Nelson would be any different really. If he had fallen in love with a vivacious and in your face girl as Sara Deever had been, I wasn't sure that Moss would place a checkmark beside my name on his list of "Must Become Friends With." Not to mention that bosses and their secretaries were hardly ever bosom buddies. Granted sometimes they were a lot more behind closed doors from what I had heard. But it seemed preposterous to me that Nelson Moss would be interested in me in that particular way. Making love to his secretary this time would seem rather inconvenient. Not when she was so pudgy she would take up too much room on his desk and may get stuck under it should she want to...

You know.

But I'd never be doing that to Nelson Moss.

He'd never want it.

Only after I saw him, I knew that _I_ may want to.

With chestnut hair, mahogany eyes and beautiful features, the man was handsome. But then again nobody that Sara had ever chosen to be her monthly project hadn't been from what Chaz had told me.

"It's funny how all the men who need fixing in your eyes are always good looking," he used to comment to her. "Where are all the ugly hopeless cases in the Bay?"

I liked Nelson Moss instantly more than for just his looks though. His voice for one thing attracted me. Voices do that for me. I tend to notice them first, the tone of someone's voice and the way they speak. Nelson's was deep and calmed me somehow. The way he moved his nice, long torsoed body also appealed to me. I felt comfortable with him despite my initial fear.

Nelson on the other hand seemed anything but. He was anxious and a little jumpy. After shaking my hand as he met me for the first time at my new desk outside of his office, he brushed against my pencil holder, spilling the contents everywhere on the rectangular surface. He tried to pick them up but I placed my hand over his.

"I guess, I'm nervous Miss Smyth," he said apologetically as I started to place pens and pencils, paperclips and erasers back inside of what was essentially a tall black cup. "I'm out of the loop."

"Don't apologize," I stated. "And call me Erin."

"Okay Erin," he said with a smile that was bright and sweet. "You can call me Nelson."

I nodded and offered him a smile back and I think we were pretty well friends by the time Nelson Moss walked into his new office.

By the end of the week, I found myself almost wishing that we could be _more_ than just friends.

But seeing how badly he still loved Sara I thought that that was pretty darn impossible.

Especially when he fired me.

* * *

I caught my new boss during those first two weeks staring off into space or the window behind his desk with a sad, lost look in his thoughtful brown eyes. Thoughts of the love he had lost, warred with him being able to keep his focus on work and the account for McKinney's Data Storage which had been assigned to him. He was struggling and once, as he was dictating a letter for me to write enquiring the company about the full line of their products, he repeated himself a few times until in frustration he let out a small roar, ran his fingers through his dark hair and looked desperate for some sort of solution to his mind constantly wandering.

"You know what's funny? I used to be really good at this," Nelson stated as he took the pencil in his hands and cracked it into two. 

"You still will be," I tried to encourage him. "You're just a little rusty."

Nelson threw the two pieces of the pencil on to his desk and ran a hand over his face. "I keep thinking how, wherever she is, that she'd be disappointed in me for becoming an executive again."

"Sara?"

"Yeah? You met her?" he asked. Hope was in his eyes now, clear and shining, and I knew that in his loss he probably looked for any memory from anybody that knew Sara to help bring the woman momentarily back to life.

I didn't really know what to say. I'd seen her a few times. She was gorgeous, of course, or probably no man in his right mind would have agreed to let her mess around with their lives as she did. Blonde hair, blue eyes, full lips, perky cute little nose, thin agile body with curves in all the right places; Everytime I had seen her I had felt miserable in comparison. That whole bit about compare and despair was horribly true. With my thin lips, large nose and round body I couldn't come close to that Hollywood appeal. But I never would have been able to just pick random guys to sleep with or assume that I could miraculously change their life by doing so. There had to be a fair amount of conceit in that.

And error also.

Having seen first hand the wreck she had made of Nelson Moss, it was hard not to realize that.

"Only on the odd occasion when she dropped by to see Chaz," I replied. "She seemed like a very nice person."

"Yes, she was," Nelson said, getting teary eyed from his memories and missing her.

Maybe it was jealousy but I hope, at least, there was a stronger urge to help the grieving man with what I said to him next.

"She was also a selfish, cowardly, little naive control freak," I stated bluntly.

"Wha-what?" Nelson Moss stated, his small watery eyes enlarging from my words.

"What she did to you and the many other men like you...she was living some childish fantasy so she wouldn't have to face the fact that she was dying. So she invited strangers into her bed for a lousy month and then kicked them out without ever checking back in on them. That's the same thing Eva Peron used to do with her charity. She'd take children, often sexually abused ones, treat them to a month of riches and splendor and then plop them right back into their lives of poverty and abuse. The kindness she showed was some egotistical vision that pleased her but it's up for debate how much she truly helped anybody once the month was over."

There. I had said what I had been thinking and feeling for months ever since Chaz had told me about Sara Deever. And I was paying for it with the way that my crush was looking at me. The man stood behind his desk and glared at me.

"You'd better take that back Miss Smyth," he warned, returning to using my surname in his ire.

I stood, suddenly angry because he refused to see the truth. "I will not! I see that she left you so wrapped around her finger, heartbroken and in love that you aren't even able to do what you were truly _good_ at! Well maybe not that awful Dr. Diggety campaign because Buddy Leach told _everybody_ in the office about that debacle, but your other ads were great, Nelson! And you shouldn't let your love affair for a month with a woman whom only _thought_ she had all the answers stop you from doing it!"

Nelson's nostrils were flaring. He was staring at me in hatred and while I hated that look, I was as pissed off as Chas knew I could get. Though, my anger was directed more at Sara Deever, I felt capable to generate some for Nelson Moss also when he said, "That's it. Get out. I'll put out an add for a new secretary who has some respect for the dead as soon as you pack up your things!"

Feeling tears stinging my eyes, I walked towards the door in agony but couldn't help but turn around and add a few words now that I was fired anyway. "Maybe I don't have respect for the dead, Mr. Moss. But I think respect should be given to those whom have earned it. And I don't believe that those we have loved and lost should be put on some pedestal where we ignore the bad things about them. Love, real love, is being able to accept and see the faults of a person. It shows the extent of our love for them: that knowing the worst doesn't stop us from loving and remembering them not as some phony ideal but as the living and breathing human being that they were!"

Our eyes met and I thought I saw some change in Moss' expression but couldn't tell through all the water in my blasted eyes before I slammed the door shut.

Once outside, I sat behind my desk and started to cry. Chas appeared suddenly and walked towards me. "What on earth happened? You could hear the shouting clear down the hall!"

"I've just been fired," I told my old boss.

He opened his mouth to say something but we both stopped when the door to my employer's office opened and Nelson Moss appeared in it. His eyes looked as wet as mine were and we stared at one another in something close to shame and embarrassment.

"I'll drop by later," Chas Watley said and bid a hasty retreat.

I couldn't look at Nelson, felt too shy and wounded to, until a few seconds later when I felt a hand on my shoulder and looked up to see him staring down at me. His face was softer and he looked as remorseful as I felt.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. "I shouldn't have said all that."

"Why? You were right," he stated. "If I want to love and honor Sara's memory it should be the woman she was and not as some martyr created in my own mind. All that you said about her...I've thought myself once or twice."

I grabbed his hand and squeezed it gently to show him some form of comfort.

"Please stay," he urged softly.

"Okay," I consented and nodded my head.


	2. Hired for Real

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nelson worries that I will return to working for Chaz after the McKinney account is finished.

"You _like_ him don't you, Erin," Chaz teased me as Nelson left the table to go and get another round of drinks.

It was a Friday three months after Nelson Moss had joined Baker, Bohanen and he had invited Chaz and me to join him after his work on the McKinney account had been declared an unmitigated success.

"Shhhh!" I said, fearful that my new boss would overhear my former boss' words.

"Oh Nelson won't overhear us and if he did, who bloody well cares! He fancies you too."

I felt myself turning pink at the same time my heart did a somersault. Chaz and Nelson were close and I felt a glimmer of hope start to shine in my heart that maybe Moss had confessed something to the man. "Did...did Nelson tell you that?" I asked.

"No honey but it's in his eyes," Chaz said, leaning over our table and whispering conspiratorially as he batted his eyelashes for effect. "Can't you see it? He's shy, bragging, unsure and horny anytime he's around you. Just like any decent straight guy gets when he likes a girl. Why do you think he asked you out after the McKinney account?"

"He asked you out too!" I exclaimed.

"As a safety net, darling," he said. "I'm here to save him. He gets to be with you but he doesn't have to worry about it looking to you like he wants to be with you. That way one side of his mind can reassure himself that it's just a little celebration with his friends while the other half gets to believe that he's out on a date with you."

"Really?" I asked incredulously.

"Really," Chaz replied. "But I refuse to be a part of his sick and twisted heterosexual games any longer."

The moment my former boss saw Nelson returning, he stood from his chair.

"I've gotta slip away now friends. Brandon will be worried I've up and left him for Brad Pitt," Chaz announced with a wave. "Congratulations Nelson but sorry I'm leaving you on this one without your precious net. Have fun! Bye bye!"

Nelson placed the now full glasses on the wooden table and looked at his friend as he departed. "What the Hell was he talking about?" he asked and turned his eyes to mine.

Thinking that Chaz had to have gone crazy to think that Nelson, whom had no idea what he was talking about a net for, was out on a date with me, I shrugged. "No idea," I answered.

Nelson stared at me from across our new drinks, looking both business like and casual in his expensive suit with his tie half undone. Looking into his eyes, I thought he looked nervous all of a sudden, as if with Chaz gone, he was doubly aware of my presence as I was of his. We'd never been basically alone with one another outside of the office even though at Baker, Bohanen we'd shared some very late nights working together when everyone else had gone back to their home and a decent night's sleep. I'd always been shy during these night but kept my mind focused on the work we were doing and had not let overly romantic thoughts of boardroom sexual shenanigans get the better of me.

Not that I would have minded.

Not in the least.

Just that Nelson was so intent of making his first assignment one to impress that he seemed understandably preoccupied with it and showed no interest in me on a "let's fool around" level.

Now, however, it was just he and I essentially, despite the pub being overcrowded with noisy people grateful over the fact that it was a Friday night.

Nelson shifted in his seat and looked at me for a few seconds. Quickly grabbing his mug of beer he swigged from it and I wondered if he wasn't trying to hide behind its thick glass and amber contents. Having to put it back down again, he returned his gaze to me once more and then dropped it lower to the empty plate of chicken wings on the table between us.

"You want some more?" he asked.

"No," I replied. "I'm good."

He studied me for a while. "It's nice to see a girl eat for a change instead of paying for something and watching it all go to waste."

I thought to myself that it went to my waist instead but...

"Well I don't see the point in ordering something and not eating it," I stated. I was suddenly self conscious worrying that he maybe thought I was a pig for eating the wings but the look in his eyes was warm and sincere without the slightest trace of disapproval or mockery.

"I like that," he commented again, his dark eyes lingering on mine for the longest time since Chaz had left.

Then we were both back to being awkward as we realized we were both staring.

"So they told me that my work on the McKinney account was the most innovative they've seen in quite a while," Nelson said, leaning back and placing his arm on the back of the booth's seat. His voice was confident and proud.

He had reason to be.

It was a fact I had often heard in person. I'd even heard it once when Bohanen had uttered it while shaking my new boss' hand outside of his office following the account having been completed. I'd heard it usually while in Nelson Moss' presence, to be honest, and I was surprised he wouldn't have known this. I realized then that it sounded like the man was bragging just like Chaz Watley had said.

I smiled in giddy amusement that Nelson would try to boast to me. "It was great work. You spent so many hours on it...you put your heart and soul into it. The acclaim is well deserved."

"You really think so?" he asked, removing his arm from the backrest and looking at me with his eyes filled with doubt as he leaned slightly over the table.

Okay.

Nelson had now been shy, bragging and unsure just as Chaz had stated. All that was left to check off of the list was the horny part. It occurred to me then that I could scoot under the table to check on that too besides other things. All I would need to do was drop a fork or something then I could... but I refrained myself. Although the thought of, _ahem_ , attending to Nelson in secret at our booth while everybody surrounding us was unaware made me feel horny myself.

I blushed and realized that I was making the man worry because I had become so distracted by the naughty thought of getting amorous with him that I'd hesitated in offering a reply. "It was brilliant," I said. "Your use of colors and images...the way you incorporated the actual product into the advertisement itself. It was truly unique and I'm sure we'll see Jabe, Dunne copying it in a few months after they've sat and stewed in jealous resentment for a bit."

This won a smile from Nelson and I hated and loved how good it felt whenever I could make him do that. After months spent grieving for Sara, I knew the man was still unused to the action of curling his lips at both ends but it was so beautiful to see him doing it, like the first crocus I'd see in my mom's garden after a harsh winter.

"I couldn't have done it without you," he praised his chubby secretary whose heart just about burst again. "You were with me all of the time, helping me get my sea legs again, so to speak. You were kind and sweet and helpful. Just like Chaz always told me you'd be."

The words came out happily enough but with that final sentence a gloom returned to Nelson's face and he suddenly returned to his beer for solace. I tried to cheer him up following the dip in his mood but he seemed preoccupied and soon he was walking me back to my place which wasn't that far from the pub actually.

Nelson kept his hands in his pocket and would hardly look at me on the walk there. He looked to his side, at the builidings, at the street and who knew what else. I pulled my light jacket closer around me for a breeze had appeared which blew my hair about my frowning face. My mind kept trying to find out what had caused the change in my friend's good mood, tried to link it to some remembrance of Sara it may have conjured up which often caused him to become melancholy. Memories were like that; they could bring you joy or throw you down into depression.

At the front door to my humble little apartment building, I found out that what had been bothering Nelson Moss hadn't been his lost love but me instead, however.

"Look," Nelson said before I went inside. "I know that Chaz gave you the option to return to him once I'd acclimated to things. Are you going to? I mean, Erin should I start looking for a new secretary? Are you going back to Chaz?"

I turned and looked at his face. Though he had started to attempt to hide his former sadness and fretting, I could see it still visible in his eyes and the tenseness of his features. Looking at him, I knew that I loved him more than I should have. This gave me the answer to his question but still I had to ask him one as well, though, it too was obvious.

"Do you want me to?"

He stared at me before he gave his handsome head a few energetic shakes. "No," he replied in deadly earnestness.

I smiled at him then and watched in joy as he started to form one back at me after I had answered, "I'd like to stay with you, if you don't mind."

To show that he didn't Nelson Moss crossed the distance between us and hugged me tightly, an action I returned this time, warranting a curious gaze from a few nighttime passerbys.

I only wondered afterwards if they were shocked to see the trim attractive man holding on to the round woman when I relived the embrace inside of my head as I tried to fall asleep. Did they think I was his lover? Or did they take me for his sister maybe instead? If it was the former, I pondered if they thought that the hug would find us heading up to my apartment in order to do those things which were usually performed inside of a bedroom and not on a San Francisco street.

But Nelson Moss was _not_ my boyfriend _nor_ was he my boyfriend. He was only my boss and friend and I was currently in bed alone but terribly fulfilled by that simple yet wonderful hug and the fact that he had not wanted me to go back to working for Chaz.

That was why I was all the more heartbroken when after he started working on the dratted Get to It! Fitness Center account it looked like Nelson had rethought his initial desire to keep me and was trying his best to get rid of my fat little self, after all!


	3. All Fired Up!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Baker, Bohanen gives Nelson the Go to It! account.

Go to It! was a set chain of fitness centers about to open up across the country in about a year. It was a huge account and everybody was eyeing it in a ravenous and hungry fashion that bespoke of the hundreds of thousands of dieters that the business hoped to lure into their buildings replete with fitness equipment, dietitians, and a "No Shame" promise to help new clients feel not so embarrassed to sweat off pounds in front of others once they signed up for a membership.

Even Chas, whom normally played it cool in the office preferring to let his catty side out only when he became Cherry, was eyeing the account lustfully and casting dagger like gazes at anybody he saw as a threat.

Which included Nelson.

The two men seemed the forerunners for getting the account.

Of course Watley's status as a contender was due to his long standing at Baker, Bohanen. He had already proved his worth and those whom ran the company could be assured that if they gave the account to him the Go to It! people would be in safe hands. However "safe" wasn't what the company was after. They wanted something bold and vibrant, a trendsetting ad that would not only catch the eye but make it pop out of the socket in the fashion of an old Tex Avery cartoon.

They wanted something like the McKinney data storage campaign and since Nelson Moss had been in charge of that particular account...

"I hate you," Cherry Watley stated glaring Nelson from across the table as we all sat together in her apartment.

Nelson's lips curled in a certain smug satisfaction as he brought his wine glass to them. "Now, now," he remarked. "You told me once that business had no place inside of this apartment...At least not to a girl named Cherry."

"She was full of bullshit," Cherry grumbled unable to peck at her plate of food.

Brandon and I looked at one another in bemusement as we sat to the sides of each warring ad exec until Brandon placed a hand on his lover's broad shoulder, a shoulder showcased in a stunning red sequin gown. "She always is now let's just shut up and NOT let the meal I spent four hours cooking go to waste."

Cherry cast a glance at her lover and then, sighing, began to place some braised meat on her fork.

"If you wanna lose weight, honey, I mean, you don't have to _starve_ yourself! You can always just Go to It!" Brandon said impishly before placing a hand over his mouth in fake self reproach. "Oops! Sorry!"

"I hate you too," Cherry proclaimed but Brandon just laughed as he and Nelson held their glasses across the table in order to clink them together.

The lovebirds had invited us over for a weekend dinner complete with the usual flamboyant show they enjoyed putting on for their guests. It was supposed to be a friendly get together. Not that secret motives weren't playing a part as well. Brandon looked at Nelson and me with a sparkle in his eyes and I knew that he was intent on playing matchmaker just as much as his mate. Apparently his and Chas' pillow talk involved all of the going ons at the office where Chas worked.

I was slightly uncomfortable not only because of this but because of the Go to It! account. While I was grateful Nelson had been given the job, I had also been dreading it too. My self consciousness about my weight was intensified in the face of the soon to be ubiquitous fitness center at Baker and Bohanen. Everytime I thought of it, I feared that Nelson would be embarrassed to handle the assignment knowing he had such a butterball as a secretary. I was ashamed that I wasn't thin and in shape enough, fearing that I would disgrace the boss that I had fallen in love with. That coupled with my already present insecurity about my size was becoming increasingly painful. Even Brandon's joke had hurt a little. I tried not to take things too personally and knew he was just teasing Cherry. Still, she was no where near being as big as I was. If he could joke about her losing weight what did that mean about me?

"Erin?" I heard Nelson say while our hosts were busy squabbling in the background. "You okay?"

"Yeah," I said, my cheeks turning as red as the peppers on my plate.

"You looked deep in thought," he commented in a whisper. "Care to tell me what about?"

"I..."

"We're friends now. Not just a boss and his employee...maybe I can help."

I looked up at him with eyes I could feel were frightened but could not disguise well enough to seem calm. I couldn't bear to tell him that I was upset because he had landed a major account. I was happy not only as his secretary but as his friend as well; it was true. But I couldn't find the strength to express to him my feelings about my size regarding the whole matter. It was too painful and embarrassing and would only draw attention to it causing me more humiliation.

Nelson seemed all fired up about the account and wanting to get started on it. I was reluctant to be the rain cloud dampening his excitement.

We should have noticed that the bickering had stopped but Nelson and I were too busy staring at each other, him trying to figure out what was wrong and me trying to find out how to tell him.

"She's got lovely eyes, don't you think Nelly?" Brandon's voice suddenly startled us both from our locked vision.

We turned to find him staring at us. "Pity she won't let me do them up," Brandon sighed. "Hates make-up! How ghastly!"

" _She_ doesn't need it as opposed to you," Cherry revelled in leaning over to insult his lover. "And yes her eyes are lovely but Nelson has probably already noticed that fact with or without the help of a little Maybelline."

I looked back at Nelson who had started to stare at me again.

"Don't call me Nelly," he mumbled to one of our hosts as he remained fixated on me.

My blush returned, bringing with it a newly racing heart. The table was silent and I had no idea what to say or to do until, Nelson's cheeks seemed to turn red as well and he suddenly placed his napkin on the table and turned to his ad exec rival and friend, ignoring me and my set of supposedly lovely eyes.

"Look," Nelson announced. "I gotta go."

"To the bathroom, love?" Cherry said cheekily. "As you know it's down the hall and to the left."

"No," Nelson corrected. "It's getting late."

"But it isn't even Midnight yet!" Brandon exclaimed. "Cinderella still has her slipper, her virtue and no decent chance at losing either!"

"No I have some things I need to plot out about the account before going to bed," Nelson said throwing me a quick pensive glance.

"It's the weekend darling," Cherry said. "Have you forgotten what Sara taught you already?"

Nelson stopped his movement and looked at the man he knew primarily only from his time with Sara Deever in jolting seriousness. "I haven't forgotten one single thing."

When Nelson started to head towards the door again, Cherry went to stop him by placing his hand on her friend's arm but Moss wouldn't let it stay there long. He shook it off and headed for the door. My former boss went to stand but I was out of my chair and at Nelson's side before he could make his exit. I may have been overweight but I was fast inspite of it.

"He didn't mean anything," I said, it being my turn to place both of my hands on Nelson's arm as it rested on the knob.

My new boss looked at me and his eyes were filled with understanding and shame. "I know," he mumbled. "I...I just...I'm sorry Cherry," he called out loud enough for even the neighbors to overhear.

"Whatever for darling?" came the equally loud response.

Nelson laughed, a sound both relieved and somewhat sad. He met my eyes again and we lingered like that, him looking down at me oddly while my hands remained on his arm.

Finally Nelson Moss stated, "They are right. You do have nice eyes."

I was shocked by his words but even further taken aback when Nelson slid his arm free from my grip and grabbed my head gently in his hands order to place a kiss on my forehead.

"Goodnight Erin."

He subsequently swept out of the apartment leaving me standing there speechless.

I looked up to find Brandon standing a few feet away looking at me. "He likes you," he commented. 

"How can he?" I asked him.

Brandon strutted over and placed his hands on my chubby upper arms. "Why wouldn't he?"

I wanted to reply because I was overweight but Brandon was hugging me before I knew it. "Sorry about that crack about Cherry losing weight," Brandon apologized. "It came out before I thought about it."

"It's okay," I smiled and hugged my friend back.


	4. Quitting for the Day

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Nelson speaks with the woman whom runs the Go to It! Fitness chain, I notice him beginning to treat me differently.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A pretty painful and personal chapter.
> 
> Been having a pretty rough week. Had my feelings hurt today. I wonder why people find it necessary to make someone else feel small? Terrible human quality.

The Go to It! team arrived that Monday. I could tell that Nelson was nervous beforehand but also excited in that way you get when you want something badly too. Watching him fidget before they came for the meeting I'd been the one to schedule I thought to myself that that was how he made me feel in my own way. I was terrified everytime we were around one another but it left me exhilarated as well. As if every part of me was alive, and even if I was frightened that I'd goof up and say the wrong thing, that when we were parted I couldn't wait to be in his company again.

Now I was nervous for other reasons though.

I was scared that the moment the Fitness Gurus walked through that door they'd take one look at the fat, little secretary of the ad exec that Baker, Bohanen had entrusted with their account and demand that Chaz handle it instead.

I was staring down at my normally more neat than it would have been desk and trembling so badly that I missed seeing Nelson turnto look down at me as he stood before my almost alien looking desk.

"What's wrong?"

I raised my eyes to look at him. He seemed so kind and compassionate that I wanted to tell him that I was afraid that my size would prove to be a dealbreaker for the people he'd be meeting with in only a few minutes. But it was too personal. My weight would always be too personal a subject for me to discuss without pain and embarrassment.

I could remember the moment I knew that I was fat. I'd been about four or five and my mom had been picking up my sister at school. I was in the front seat and eventually my sister, Tara, and her friend Marlene had slipped into the backseat. Something was wrong. I knew that from the hushed way that they were speaking and looking at each other and then me, like they had some dirty little secret. Mom had left the car to go talk with a teacher whom was also her friend leaving me alone with the two older girls whispering behind my back.

I'd had enough by that stage: Them thinking that I couldn't hear them and that I was an idiot or something.

"What is _it_?" I asked angrily, turning around to glare at them.

They were leaning close to one another, like two conspirators and they looked at me in guilt, shame and a certain morbid curiousity even though I was not acquainted with the word morbid that early on in my life.

"Sally B-----e said you were fat," one of them said.

It's funny. One of the most agonizing and important moments of my life and I'm not exactly sure which one said it. Was it my sister or her friend who finally broke the news to me that I was fat? I can't recall which but it didn't completely matter.

All I remember was that it had been said and that it _hurt_ me.

I'd been used to physical pain. My knees often took turns adorning bandaids because I was always falling down and scraping them. But pains of the soul...of the heart...These were more rare. The fact that their schoolmate, pretty little stuck up Sally B----e with her blond hair, skinny body and turned up little nose had called me "fat" sent a jolting shock throughout both my body and soul.

I turned back and looked out the windshield. The whispering died; there being only silence behind me then.

There was nothing left to talk about, I guess. Their secret had been given up. There was only my pain in the passenger side of the front seat.

As mom came back and slid behind the wheel, I remember wondering why Sally had chosen to target my weight when I hardly knew her and didn't even go to school with her yet. Marlene was as big as I was...yet she had escaped being labelled as gross. That was what fat meant to them...something disgusting. Or else they wouldn't have been keeping their voices low and initially trying to keep the whole thing from me.

My father was fat and he scared me so badly often with his swearing and his constant teasing. Was I like that? Was I like the father that tormented me? I loved him in the way a child loved their parent, blindly despite the pain, but I didn't want to be like him. 

In all the fairy tales I loved and watched, all the movies and television shows even the cartoons, there were no fat princesses or heroines. Those girls that the men fell in love with all were thin like my sister or Sally B----e. Did men not fall in love with fat girls? If all of those stories were to be believed than I thought that they never really did.

And subsequently I thought that maybe I didn't really _deserve_ to be loved either.

Not when I was something that two girls I knew and trusted talked about it in whispers behind my back.

I learned through the years that came after that traumatic event in my mother's car that boys _did_ like larger girls too but that they might have been under a similarly false notion that they weren't supposed to.

I was teased by so many boys during my time at school only to find out later that the bully actually _liked_ me but couldn't handle it so in an an act of alchemy he turned his attraction into surface cruelty instead. Two boys educated me in this area very well and both their names had been Jason.

The first one had lived closeby to me throughout my early childhood and had once tried to get me to do something sexual with him which had angered my father. When we'd both gone to school together later this Jason had turned to alternately showing me affection and hurting me. Once in the coat room, he had pushed me into the wall where my winter jacket was hanging and called me fat in front of everybody.

I hated that boy and could not stand being around him. His affection was as unwanted as his meanness.

The second Jason I had known in 7th grade after my parents had divorced and we had moved to a larger city. He had teased me mercilessly that year we shared the same classroom. Not a day went by when he hadn't made some remark about my size or some other fact for the amusement of himself and his friends. Once he had slapped me loudly and painfully on the back. I was so grateful the next year when he wasn't in the same class but in another one entirely.

There had been this one day though when Jason had lined up behind me after recess when we were waiting to go back inside of the large school building made of red and grey brick. I had heard someone say my name, turned around and saw him standing there. I had been almost mortally afraid at that moment that he intended to say some hurtful thing in order to make up for the time he had lost. But the way he had said my name, softly, and the way he was looking at me were so different from the Jason I knew when we had shared the same classroom and his friends were around. He was looking at me in a strange desperate kind of way, as if he had missed me and not just because I was an easy target to amuse himself. He tried to get me to talk to him but I couldn't find the strength or willpower to. I was just grateful when the line moved so I could get back to the safety of my desk at the back of the class where I was hardly ever noticed.

Jason looked sad to see me leave him.

But it was too late by then.

He had damaged me too much; all I could offer him was my fear.

Those years had scarred me. After school was over when a man showed me interest I could never believe it completely in a way. I was afraid that they'd wake up one day and realize that I was fat or drop me when their friends began to hint that there were finer women around.

Ones like Sally B----e.

But how could I explain all of this to Nelson? It made me feel horribly vulnerable because it was so deeply rooted to some childhood and lifelong insecurity and wound that remained always open. I could barely keep it closed for long. And I valued the man's friendship so much. That he would see me as weak and full of the scars I had been left with and somehow think less of me because of them frightened me too badly.

"Erin, are you okay?"

He asked again with even more concern, coming closer to the desk where I sat. He was looking down at me and, God help me, I realized that he looked a fair bit like that first Jason whom had instructed me on the fact that a boy could hate himself for being attracted to a big girl such as myself.

"I'm fine," I managed to say and sound somewhat okay. "Just nervous."

He nodded. "Did you have lunch?"

"A piece of bread with some Nutella," I replied.

"That's _not_ lunch," Nelson Moss criticized. "Let me take you out after work and make sure that you get a decent meal into you."

I smiled. It was what Chaz would label as another safe date for the man. He could just mark it as a well intentioned act for a friend's welfare. Still it was closer to a real date than anything we had yet done together so I tentatively grasped on to it.

"Okay," I agreed.

"Your choice or my choice?" he asked smiling.

I was about to reply when we heard footsteps coming down the hallway of Baker, Bohanen and a group of three trim, attractive and well groomed individuals appeared. There were two men and one woman and I noticed with a twinge of selfish regret that the woman resembled Sara Deever a little.

This woman in her immaculate red suit and Veronica Lake hairstyle stepped forward and I watched consumed with unwanted jealousy as she extended her hand to Nelson.

"Mr. Moss," she stated. "I'm Ms. Karen Scofield, senior chairperson of Go to It! It is a pleasure to finally meet you. Your work with McKinney's Data Storage was exemplary and we at Go to It! know that we are in more than capable hands."

Well I didn't like thinking about this woman or her company in Nelson's hands when I wanted him to use them on me instead and I bristled at the image of the man I loved using his very nice hands on the drop dead gorgeous creature before me. But I tried to get the image of that out of my overactive imagination and focus on the fact that Nelson was only taking her hand and shaking it. Nothing more.

"Ms. Scofield it is a pleasure. If you don't mind, we can all go into my office and proceed in taking the first steps on the path to introducing Go to It! to the public."

I watched as all four people went into the office; Nelson threw a sweet smile in my direction along the way as he passed by. I noticed that the two men's arms filled with what appeared to be graphs and other statistical information and wondered what they were of. Despite my whole discomfort with the account, I prayed to God that the first steps that my beloved boss would make would get him somewhere with the account and not be on a treadmill where they went nowhere.

* * *

They were in the office for about three hours. When all four finally emerged, the two nameless men came out first and I watched as Nelson and Ms. Scofield shook hands again and said goodbye to each other. The woman seemed well pleased and so did Nelson. Yet there was some worried cast to his face that had not been there before which made me worried for him. I hoped once more that everything went well. He must have sensed me looking at him for he looked at me hurriedly before he shut the door.

Karen Scofield finally turned her attention fully on me. Her gaze was friendly but I was still more than a little agitated when she walked towards my slightly more cluttered desk, a few pens and paperclips having escaped their place in the holder to return the sight closer to what it usually looked like.

"I'm Karen Scofield," she said extending her hand for me to take now and acting as if I had not been here to overhear her introduction to my boss. "You're Nelson's secretary, Erin."

Nelson. No longer Mr. Moss. But, at least, she knew my first name too and we were hardly intimate so...

I shook her offered hand.

"We are offering free memberships to all of Baker and Bohanen's staff," she announced. "We hope to see you at one of our centers when we open the doors, Erin."

Okay. It was hard to tell if this had to do with my weight specifically, it being a promotional incentive it appeared, but...it still kind of made me more self conscious.

I thanked her politely without intending to ever accept the offer and set one of my suprisingly skinny feet inside of one of her Fitness centers.

Watching her leaving with her silent male human bookends, Nelson's voice emanated from my intercom, ordering me to see him. Rising from my chair, I bustled in with my anxiety still a mile high after the look the man had thrown my way after retreating into the office he was summoning me into.

I walked into the room feeling hopelessly plain and dowdy in my old gray suit as opposed to Karen Scofield's dazzling elegance in her thousand dollar get up.

"How'd it go?" I asked Nelson, my back and full ass pressed against the office door behind me.

"Perfect," Nelson informed with a large smile.

It was too large.

And fake.

For some reason it was void of the honest charm it usually displayed. The giddy feeling seeing it on his boyish face usually left me with was also horribly absent.

I could see Nelson meeting my face but how his eyes then quickly dropped to the rest of my chubby body and my heart sank as they lingered on my not so flat tummy. I was afraid my worst fears had come true and suddenly my boss, friend and object of my unspoken affection had seen me in a different light after his meeting with the Go to It! team.

"What did you want me in here for?" I asked, my heart was racing like it was now the thing on the treadmill.

"I was just going to tell you I was thinking about quitting for the day."

"Okay," I said afraid that he was about to cancel our date that wasn't really a date anyway. I was preparing to tell him that it was okay and I understood when he halted my thoughts.

"We still on for supper?"

I smiled widely and felt my relief come flooding back. "You bet."

"Good," Nelson said with a more genuine smile. "Karen suggested this restaurant. I thought we should try it."

So she was Karen now too to go along with him being Nelson, I thought dejectedly. However, he had used the word "we" in regards to him and I. A case of take the good with the bad?

"Sounds great," I said.

Nelson nodded and I saw his eyes unintentionally drift to my stomach before rising to my face again, a face wearing a smile which now felt as false as his own.

* * *

When we left the office building together, I expected Nelson to hail a cab. Instead he started to walk and I increased my pace to keep by his side.

"I thought we'd walk there," he stated without looking at me. "It's a lovely day and it's not that far."

I looked around and up at the sky doubting we were currently existing in the same reality. The sky was cloudy, it was a bit too muggy and I hoped it didn't storm. Instead of asking him if we were somehow able to walk down a San Francisco street while residing in separate dimensions, however, I just kept my mouth shut and tried to match his stride.

These were both harder to do as we kept on walking with nary a sign that Karen Scofield's suggested restaurant was nearing and our journey was coming to an end. I was used to walking. I did not drive, never had and would often walk everywhere with my sister. Yet those trips I had been prepared for and had been allowed to tackle leisurely. Trying to keep up with Nelson, I felt like I was back at my first school when the teacher had made the class run around the large field outside! I was breathing heavily but trying to hide the fact from my boss and crush.

He glanced at me once and seemed upset. Although it might have been a delusion brought on by impending heat stroke, I thought he slowed his pace a bit for which I was eternally grateful. The stroke averted, we arrived at our destination at last and I stood underneath its neon sign in dumbstruck wonder.

"Carlos' Vegan Cuisine?" I stated in a hoarse voice that wheezed with every syllable.

My hope of a decent plate of chicken, a nice medium rare T-Bone or a cheeseburger flew out the window.

"She said it was the best place in town for this sort of thing," Nelson remarked, his tone sounding less than convinced himself.

I wanted to ask him _why_. We were both unapologetic carnivores whom enjoyed a good piece of meat. And if that wasn't on hand an egg based dish or cheese would do just as well. I'd ordered enough meals at the office for him. He'd shared them often with me. What on earth were we doing at a vegan restaurant then?

Maybe I would have asked him this if I had possessed the strength to but all I could do was huff and puff as he grabbed my arm and dragged me inside. Oh how I wanted to do my best imitation of one of those dying of thirst, wasting away men you see pulling themselves across sandy deserts begging for "water!" in a cartoon but couldn't find the strength for this either. Nelson used Karen Scofield's name to procure for us a table and thankfully my boss saw my state and ordered a glass of water for me. It took forever to arrive and in the meantime I rushed to the washroom to try to fix my hair which felt like a frazzled, frizzy mess on top of my head after having endured humidity and too long of a walk. It was no use, I realized, as I stood in front of the mirror above the sink. My curly hair was too far gone for anything resembling hope. Washing my hands and seeing the cold water, I could not help myself! My head was under the tap, lapping it up, as a woman entered and looked at me like I had lost my mind. She quickly fled into a stall, I just as hastily wiped the water off of my chin and I returned to the table where both Nelson and my glass of water were patiently waiting.

I downed the drink in about ten seconds and looked up to find Nelson staring at me in my hot, tired and bedraggled state. As opposed to my thoughts a few days ago at the pub, now if I were to drop a fork from off the table I was likely to stab the man in the foot with it more than get amorous I was so incensed. However, then his shame was evident in his eyes and his apologetic little frown and I rethought my stance on the subject.

Not that I wouldn't have been tempted to bite him.

I was very hungry afterall.

* * *

Nothing I had for supper was as good looking or tasty as Nelson Moss, I'm afraid. The meal Nelson ordered for us, one which consisted of about five whole calories, wasn't very filling or flavorful. Afterwards, we walked all the way back to my apartment and I kept an eye on the sky praying to God again, this time that we'd make it in time before the first raindrop fell. It was starting to turn dark and I was not only exhausted, tired and still hungry but also woefully depressed as well. Apparently Karen Scofield had made Nelson suddenly aware of my size and he was ashamed of me in some way and trying to compensate for it by turning suddenly health conscious.

At the door to my apartment building, I wanted to say it was a nice evening and we should do it again soon but my aching feet and grumbling stomach forbade me from uttering such foolish words.

"It was a nice evening," Nelson Moss said. "We should do it again sometime."

"Sure," I said through gritted teeth.

Then Nelson reached into the back of his pants and pulled out a menu from Carlos' and handed it to me. He must have grabbed the dratted object when I wasn't looking. "Here," he said handing it to me sheepishly. "They have a take out menu."

"Delivery?" I asked although the thought of paying for that charge didn't appeal to me anymore than the food.

"No," Nelson said. "It's good to walk though. You really should, Erin. Although we both should start eating it at work. We'll start tomorrow."

I desperately wanted a fork.

Hoping he would make everything better by kissing my forehead again like he did at Cherry and Brandon's apartment, I was _severely_ disappointed when Nelson simply shook my hand, wished me a goodnight and ran to hail a passing cab.

My bottom lip quivering, I went inside to my apartment, threw the menu in the trashcan. After a long hot bath, I ordered a medium extra cheese, pizza with all the toppings from the pub Nelson and I had shared a better "not quite date" at and then proceeded to eat the gooey beast all by myself.

Well, all by myself, if you didn't count the ghost of the little girl I would always carry inside of me whom had learned long ago from the sister she loved, and her sister's best friend, that she was the dreaded word " _fat_."


	5. Just Plain Quitting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nelson makes a discovery and I overhear the reason why he is treating me so differently.

"He hates me!" I cried out and burst into tears as I sat on the sofa in Chaz's office. It was lunch time and I had come to speak to my friend before I had to personally go and walk a fair distance to pick up my boss' requested lunch and return in what was usually a tired and disheveled state back to my little desk outside of Nelson Moss' own office after first handing him his meal.

Chaz looked up from his desk where he was surveying some test advertisements for his own latest account for a company called Ruby's Lipschtick. He hated the name and the barbs Brandon had been giving him about needing the makeup he was preparing to advertise. Worst yet, Cherry _hated_ the actual product itself. She said it tasted like cat shit and was oddly runny. Still it was Chaz Watley's job to try to promote it and he was trying his most professionally to do so. He was staring at me in confusion and when he finally opened his mouth it was to ask, "Whom hates you?"

"Nelson," I replied.

"Nelson does not hate you," Chaz said with amused denial.

"He does to!" I countered. "Or, at least, he sure is _acting_ like he does."

"The man is crazy about you!"

I folded my arms and pouted angrily, trying to urge my tears back into my eyes and sniff my snot back up into my nostrils. "He's got a funny way of showing it."

Chaz put the ad sheets down and came to join me on the sofa. I'd degenerated into a cloud which unleashed tears instead of raindrops again by that time and he placed a hand on my back and rubbed circular motions on it to try to soothe me.

"Just how is he showing it? With this Schtick shit, I'm the first to admit I might have missed a thing or two."

Taking a mighty deep breath, I began with a brief description of our date at Carlos' which had seemed like anything but a date.

"Well that was probably just so he could tell Karen what her favorite restaurant was like. These new upstarts can be pretty difficult to please," he tried to console me.

"Karen's fine!" I stated loudly. And it was true. I'd seen her often during the last few weeks. It turned out she was happily married with two adorable children. She just couldn't wear a ring due to allergies and preferred using Ms. to Mrs. in order to be taken more seriously. "We get along very well. Turns out she has struggled with her weight since she was a kid too. She felt horrible about offering me the free membership after I told her I was self conscious. She's a sweetheart. It's Nelson who has turned into a complete and utter monster!"

"Monster, honey?" he balked affectionately. "Being a little melodramatic a tad, aren't we?"

Turning my head abruptly I fixed my friend with a withering stare and a raised eyebrow.

"Oh dear....that bad?"

I then quickly segued into the events that had transpired after the trip to the vegan restaurant. It seemed that every day Nelson was having me go here or there to get this item or that for him. And it was always under the stipulation that I had to walk there. He kept telling me that for the sake of the account I should do it, that it would only look bad if any rivals saw me taking a taxi or trolley car. I'd been all over San Francisco on foot, had worn out three pairs of shoes and was under the impression that Nelson had not only turned into a nazi but was extremely paranoid as well. He seemed intent on not letting me be seen at my desk and I was convinced he was suddenly ashamed to have me as his secretary.

"And he's outlawed all sweets, junk foods etc... from the office. I have to eat what _he's_ eating and it all tastes like crap. I like fruits and vegetables! Honest! But what he's having us eat...As soon as I get home I scarf down a family size bag of Lays, and some ice cream. And my neighbours must think I'm dating the pizza delivery boy by this point with the amount of times he comes over late at night."

"Erin," Chaz said in disapproval. "You know you have to be careful...you _are_ an emotional eater."

"I know but my dream has suddenly turned into a nightmare!" I whined. "I thought he liked me. Now he won't hardly even look at me. Whenever he does it's at my stomach and he looks disappointed. I think he's intentionally trying to get me to quit!"

Chaz shook his head. "I'll have a chat with the boy. See if we can't straighten this out."

I looked at him in fright. "Don't let him know I said anything...I..."

"You love him right?"

All I could do was bite my bottom lip and nod my head slowly.

Chaz placed his arms around me and gave my body a loving hug. There was still a lot of it left to squeeze even if I'd seen more legwork than I ever had during my lifetime in only the last few weeks. My seeking solace in food was at an all time high has my self esteem was at an all time low.

* * *

Feeling slightly better when I set out to get Nelson his requested lunch, I tried to tell myself it would all get sorted out soon. Nelson was such a sweet man. Or, at least, he had been. Something must have happened to have turned him into such a hard taskmaster. Somewhere inside of my heart and head I knew that it was all of this Go to It! business; if I could just make it to the end of Nelson handling the account things would return to normal.

While ordering both of our lunches, and trying to comfort myself in the fact that Nelson thought we came as a package deal, in a way, my tummy started to grumble which caused the man taking my order to look at me in a way which made me feel small despite my large body. I felt that age old insecurity return, knowing that the man behind the counter was judging me. I was grateful when he finally handed me the bag full of food (which probably tasted awful) and I could get out of there.

His eyes stayed with me though and their condemnation of the fact that I wasn't a single digit dress size.

Tears were coming back with a wave of depression and self hatred when I saw something that might help out a bit.

" _Erin, you know you have to be careful...you are an emotional eater._ "

"Oh be quiet, Chaz!" I told my friend.

I looked at my watch, the one with the numbers all askew and which read "Who cares, I'm already late!" on its face and knew I would be late getting back to the office but...

I'd be dangerous and live life on the edge.

After all, I already felt like I was dangling over it everytime Nelson wouldn't look at me.

* * *

When I arrived back at the office, I rushed in, panting to give Nelson his lunch. He imitated Chaz, in a way, focusing on the ads for Go To It! instead of me. Yet, whereas I knew Chaz ignoring me had not been deliberate, I could sense that my boss had tensed up the moment that I had entered the room and purposely turned his attention elsewhere. I was hurt again. Just another incident to add to the many wounds I had already received. I suddenly wished that my extra padding could protect my soul from such bruises but it didn't work that way. At the door, Nelson finally addressed me. "You get the same?" he inquired.

I was hoping when I turned around to reply that he would be looking at me but he wasn't. He was staring at the promotional image for the fitness center in his hand: one showing a before and after image of Karen Scofield. I wished I could be like the after image but I'd spent so much of my life trying and failing hopelessly.

"Yes," I said.

Nelson didn't praise me, only offered a slight nod and I rushed out of the office in a hurry before the scent of my real lunch drifted in for his nose to smell.

Angrily I fired the health food nonsense into the trash can and sat down to devour the Big Mac waiting for me on my desk. It tasted so much better! A 100% beef patty, secret sauce (hello Thousand Island), wonderfully finely chopped onions, lettuce and pickles! I savoured every bite but the last one was swallowed without being properly chewed as I saw the door to my boss' office opening as he emerged. Firing the Big Mac's box into the trash can along with what my lunch was really supposed to be, I put on my best faux innocent grin.

"Erin, can you take these down to the first floor to have copied?" he asked, handing me the ad sheets he had been surveying.

I inwardly sighed. I had hardly been back for more than ten minutes and already I was sent on yet _another_ mission. I wanted Nelson to want me on my back; instead he intended to keep me on my feet.

"Can't I use the one here?" I asked incredulously.

"I don't like the colors as much," the man told me and lied straight to my face as he finally met my eyes. I knew it was a lie because they were both the same brand of blasted copiers. He just wanted me away from my desk again.

Suddenly I watched as Nelson narrowed his eyes in suspicion as they rested on the corner of my lips. My tongue quickly tried to discover what he was staring at and I tasted a certain secret sauce (hello Thousand Island once more!)

My eyes widened in horror as Nelson stepped around my desk and squatted down low so he could go through my trash can. Not that it took him long to spot the infamous red box and what should have been my real lunch underneath it; they were lying traitorously on the top. The man gazed up at me with a look of such disappointment that I felt ashamed. As he stood again, he continued to stare down at me with a certain sadness and I immediately wanted to apologize until my own resentment and pain resurfaced. We glared at one another until I felt tears in my eyes and thought I saw them filling Nelson Moss' too.

Without expecting it, Nelson reached towards me and wiped the sauce off from my face quickly. He then rushed back inside of his office as if simply touching me had burnt him.

I felt moved and repulsive all at once.

* * *

At the end of the day, when I was heading home after Nelson had left his own office early without so much as a goodbye, I was so upset that I wanted to see Chaz again. My heart was filled with what felt like a million fractures all ready to break it apart at once. I headed for my friend's office only to stop when I heard voices coming from inside of it.

"You honestly don't seem yourself, Nelson, " Watley was saying. "You seem like that uptight Nelson Moss whom existed before one fateful November when Sara worked her magic on him."

"Well seasons change; it isn't November anymore," Nelson said and his voice was curt and disturbed.

"Is everything all right?"

Walking closer towards the door, I placed my large ear against it in order to eavesdrop better. I should have remembered that one rarely ever overhears anything good about themselves from such a sneaky act.

"Yeah. Sure. Fine."

Chaz wasn't buying it. The sales pitch had been halfhearted and unbelievable: the downfall for any ad exec, Nelson must have known. "Come on? Is it Erin?"

A pained sigh from Nelson and I wanted to back away in fear.

"What's wrong?"

My heart was beating so rapidly and loudly I was almost afraid they'd hear it and I would be given away.

"It's her weight Chaz!" Nelson exclaimed and I heard all that I needed to.

Or so I thought.

Crying, I turned and ran away as quietly and quickly as I could. I saved my sobs for the ground floor, the one with the supposed best copier in all of Baker, Bohanen.

* * *

"What's this?" Nelson Moss asked the next day as he sat behind his desk and I handed him a sheet of paper I had worked on all night.

I peered down at the man I still loved and had once fooled myself into thinking could love me also. That was before Go To It! had showed me that Nelson did not want to Go At Me! at all, though.

Trying to summon all the strength I possessed, I looked down at Nelson Moss and tried to hide the fact that he had broken the heart hidden inside the body he deemed as being too overweight for his liking. "My two weeks notice," I coldly informed him as he looked up at me in shock. "I _quit!_ "


	6. Quitting Our Fears and Hiring Each Other

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> At my going away party, Chaz Watley forces Nelson and I to give each other a proper goodbye and I finally learn the truth behind my boss' odd behavior and his true feelings.

I had two weeks before my last day. Things in the office were tense during that time; Nelson and I rarely spoke to each other than when it was absolutely necessary. We walked around our mutual work stations and every movement we made conveyed the hurt, anger, betrayal and resentment that we were feeling towards each other. Oddly enough, I had suspected that once I had quit my boss would stop sending me away from my desk on this errand or that. But instead he only seemed to increase the strange orders which led me out of the Baker, Bohanen building or to this far away floor or that. I guessed, that he was still trying to punish me for whatever I had done to upset him in the first place.

Even with that thought, though, there was this sad look in Nelson's eyes whenever he looked at me and I felt so guilty about leaving him. But what could I do? The man's behavior towards me had been abhorrent and I just couldn't stay. Not when it had changed so suddenly from something bordering on paradise to something that was flat out Hell. I was still also overeating whenever I arrived home due to my depression. I was trying to be careful, feeling my pants getting a tiny bit snug, but the sooner I was away from Nelson Moss the better. 

Even if I was only going back to being Chaz's secretary which was technically not very far away at all.

Chaz was throwing me a simultaneous going away and coming back party. When I had told him that I had quit he had looked so incredibly frustrated and livid that I had instantly asked him what was wrong.

"Nothing," he had replied. "Nothing at all. Just the fact that I am surrounded by idiots."

Studying his quickly reddening face, I wanted to ask him why I was included in that denomination after having heard a bit of Nelson's confession that my weight did indeed bother him as I had feared. To do so, however, would reveal that I had been eavesdropping which wasn't really a thing to be proud of. I couldn't help but pointedly ask, however, "Did you have that little talk with Nelson by the way?"

"Yes," Watley replied. He suddenly looked close to saying something but bit his tongue to prevent whatever it was from escaping.

"And?"

His frustration increased, visibly, but all he did was sigh loudly.

"I take it that it didn't go well," I said.

"No. You two are both two stubborn individuals who are blind as bats as to what is really going on here!"

"Fine," I said, standing from the same couch which had witnessed my breakdown the day before. "Just as long as you wouldn't mind taking this stubborn individual back as your secretary."

"Darling, you know I always would," he reassured me, placing both hands on his desk. "But I am telling you that you are making a mistake."

"The only mistake I made was falling in love with Nelson Moss," I proclaimed before rushing out of the room, afraid the couch was about to see the sight of me crying again.

* * *

My last full day, the one before my going away party, Nelson was receiving praise already for his Go to It! campaign but I could tell that he was miserable. I thought it was probably guilt for driving me away...getting what he wanted in the end. You know, like wanting that last piece of cake in the fridge and using underhanded and sneaky methods to get it. Then when you did it just never felt good eating it so you couldn't enjoy it no matter how tasty it was.

But I was still in love with him.

I was _proud_ of him.

I wanted him to enjoy the praise and offer him my own before I went.

"You did truly great work again, Nelson. You should be proud," I said as he stood lingering in front of my desk, having just said goodbye to Karen. His hand was on the back of his head and feeling his smooth, dark hair.

He turned to look at me and he seemed scared and nervous as if he was afraid he might find from my expression that I hadn't really meant the compliment at all but only felt obliged to say it. When he saw from my eyes, from my smile, that it was genuine, his face relaxed and he offered me a smile that was real as well.

"Thanks," he returned.

We stared for each other for what felt like two minutes. It was late, Karen only being able to arrange the meeting at night after a school recital for one of her children. We could hear the sound of a vacuum cleaner being run by one of the janitor's somewhere closeby in the building. It was the only sound for a while. I thought we had both stopped breathing.

"It's going to be odd coming out here and not seeing you," Nelson confessed.

I bit my own tongue now trying not to say that with the way he'd been running me ragged I hadn't been at my desk much anyway. All I commented instead was, "I'll be just down the hall with Chaz. If you want to see me."

I _wanted_ him to _want_ to see me. I was blindly hoping that maybe Nelson would ask me to stay now that we were alone and finally talking to each other again, to plead with me, like we were in some romantic film, and tell me that he couldn't stand it if I left him. Melodramatically propehise his death...Instead he only lowered his head for a second, raised it again and then apologized, "I'm sorry. I don't have a gift for you for tomorrow's party. I didn't know what to get you...or if you'd even want your old boss there at all. I was shocked when Chaz asked to use my office and not his"

You can feel your heartbreaking sometimes. All the little cracks in it forming and then the pieces falling apart from each other just as I was about to fall apart from the man standing before me.

"Just be there," I told him, my voice almost a whisper. "That'd be a good enough gift for me."

He nodded sadly, met my eyes with enough defeat to make me want to shiver and then headed to his office, preparing to head home. I didn't know if I should be there when he emerged from his office, if he'd want to see me or if we'd only cause each other more pain so I hurriedly gathered my things and left.

Just tomorrow left. Then the bullets could be taken out from both of us and we could start healing. Although I was still confused what Nelson's respective bullet exactly was.

* * *

I was on the verge of officially no longer being Nelson Moss' secretary. We were all gathered in Moss' office, a table was laid out in the middle of it with an assortment of food. Really good food this time and not the crap Nelson had been getting me to buy. Chaz had chosen it much to Nelson's apparent dismay. In fact, I caught my soon to be former boss looking between it and me a few times, his disapproval clearly written on every inch of his handsome face. And there I was eating more and more of it because I was depressed out of my mind, further making Nelson seem tense and unhappy.

It wasn't a huge party which was how its planner knew that I wanted it. Chaz, the planner, was there, of course. Brandon had insisted he be invited and while Cherry had teased him that it was for Baker, Bohanen employees only, I had kissed Brandon on the cheek and stated that if he wasn't coming neither was I. A few other B&B workers were there as well, most notably Shirley Cafferty, Chaz' current secretary, whom he was giving to Nelson Moss in exchange for me. She was another pretty creature with blonde hair and slim waist and was currently chatting up her soon to be boss over by his desk.

The same one I had often envisioned crawling under to give Nelson some loving attention during our office hours or envisioned him vigorously taking me on top of its cool black surface.

"She's a lesbian, honey, don't worry," I heard Chaz whisper into my ear. "She has a taste for Mexican girls with big, sultry eyes. Or, at least, that's the extent of the photographs she keeps hidden away inside of her desk."

I jumped a little but then tried to compose myself. My anxiety was at full throttle and I couldn't wait for the party to be over so I could call it a day. "And will you be going through my drawers when I return?" I asked him wryly through a mouthful of maple cruller, as he moved to stand beside me, his glass half full of champagne.

"What's the point?" he asked looking regretful. "I know what I'd find there: nothing but photographs or doodles of a hotshot young ad exec named Nelson Moss. The one that you can't help but staring at whenever you get the chance to. When you aren't pouting and staring at the floor, that is. And he is right there watching you too, girl, don't you dare think that he's not."

"Yes," I replied saucily. "Because he's mad that I keep stuffing my face with food."

"So don't do it," Brandon said as he suddenly swooped down at me, plucked the cruller from out of my hand and threw it into the nearest trash can.

I looked up to find Nelson watching the scene, looking pleased and I immediately stormed back to the table to get another donut to replace its cruelly discarded comrade.

* * *

As the party finally reached its ending, an act which I thanked God for with a mouth stuffed full of a roast beef sandwich, I knew that I would be expected to be the last to leave. Except for Nelson, of course, whose office it was. This was uncomfortable for two reasons: I hated to have to stand there as people said goodbye and thanked me for the party. Even during my childhood Birthday celebrations, I had always retreated to my bedroom, too shy to linger for too long. The second reason was that it would be just Nelson and I for a while here.

This was obviously what Chaz Watley had in mind though.

After the last of Baker and Bohanen's staff, besides us three, had successfully filed out the door , which was now closed, Chaz studied us both as we wandered somewhat aimlessly around the office, picking up stray napkins and paper plates. Brandon had already left, being reminded by his lover of some other thing he needed to take care of. The man had not looked pleased and I had the unnerving suspicion that he and Chaz had discussed this happening before the party had even started. Still Brandon had acquiesced and after having kissed my cheek had fled out the office door, looking back at Nelson and myself with an impish glee in his eyes.

Chaz suddenly grabbed a spoon from off of the table and started to hit it loudly against his glass, earning both Nelson's and my own attention.

"Now since I was the one to bring you two sad, pathetic creatures together, I similarly am in control of the official ceremony to tear you two apart," he announced.

Nelson had made his way to stand uncomfortably by my side. He did not look happy to be called pathetic nor was he exactly thrilled at what Chaz Watley was up to. "Ceremony?" he asked skeptically.

"Yes, _ceremony_ ," Chaz nodded, putting both the glass and the spoon down on the table. "If you are going to say goodbye to each other it had better be a decent one or I will not feel proper about reclaiming my lost secretary from you, Nelson."

My current boss sighed and I squirmed.

"You two just, _please_ , hug each other, won't you?" Chaz demanded petulantly.

Nelson and I looked at one another in embarrassment and then back to Chaz who stipulated, "I am not letting you out of this office until you do."

Turning to Nelson, I saw that he was in agreement with my own thoughts: the sooner we conceded the better. As I walked into Nelson Moss' outstretched arms and wrapped my own around him, nothing had ever felt more right in the world. I could sense it from Nelson too; a sudden tension from his body followed by a relief as he held me and I held him in return. We fit together well as if we belonged linked like that. I could have stayed that way forever with my head pressed against his strong chest and his arms on my back. But then Chaz had one more request to make.

"Now kiss each other goodbye," he said softly.

I felt the same cheek resting against Nelson's shirt burning red. I could hear Nelson's heart skip a beat before it started racing. We held each other's body tighter in pure fear.

"C'mon you two," Chaz stated. "I am dying to get home and into my Chiffon robe."

Nelson looked down at me while I gazed up at him. Before either of us was even aware of it we were kissing. It wasn't just a friendly kiss though. Those last about a second or two and were what Brandon had given me on the cheek before he had left. This was a full fledged, parted lip affair that lasted for about a minute. It was like once our lips had found each other they did not want to let go. It was passionate and intense and everything that I had ever dreamt a kiss with Nelson Moss could be like. Our tongues briefly touched, wanting to explore but suddenly pulling back. When we finally parted, an act which met with reluctance from us both, our eyes locked until I found my head pressed up against his chest again, only this time I was crying.

"I love you, Nelson! I don't want to go!" I cried out to him. "Don't make me!"

"But you're the one who quit," Nelson exclaimed incredulously. "You're the one leaving _me_!"

"Only because you wanted me to!" I rebuttled as my tears soaked into his outrageously expensive shirt. "Making me go all of those places...dictating what I ate...never wanting me to stay in the office for too long! I didn't think you wanted me anymore...I thought you were ashamed on my weight!"

Nelson suddenly parted from me again and grabbed my head with both of his hands, forcing me to look at him.

"No, no, Erin... _no_!" he stated. "Is that what you honestly thought?"

I nodded and bit my bottom lip as I timidly met his eyes.

"I think it's about time you told her the truth, Nelson," Chaz said quietly.

Nelson glanced at him briefly before returning his eyes to mine. "I love you, Erin. I love everything about you. Your weight doesn't bother me, at all. Or, at least it didn't before Karen Scofield walked into my office with all of those damn charts and figures!"

I suddenly recalled the woman's co-workers entering Nelson's office with their arms filled with the items for their first presentation with my boss.

"What were they of?" I asked, having a brief idea flickering in the back of my mind.

Nelson frowned as if he was afraid what he was about to say might hurt me in some way. I gently took hold of the wrist of his right hand which was still on the side of my face, showing him that it was all right.

He sighed. "They were all of the medical reports about the health problems faced by people who have more weight...statistics about how many people die each year from being overweight...everything like that. I'd never thought about it before or even knew everything she showed me. She went on and _on_ about how bad it is for people to stay behind their desks all day at work, inactive...The first person I thought of was you..."

"That's how it often works when it comes to love," Chaz commented.

Nelson began to stroke my cheek, lovingly as he continued to stare into my very wet eyes. "I had just been through losing Sara; the thought of losing you too made me go crazy. But I couldn't tell you because I didn't want to hurt you by bringing attention to it. I can tell how self conscious you are about your weight even if you never say it."

My heart broke again. I could feel the pieces falling around both of our feet where we stood.

"So I thought if I sent you here and there, I could keep you moving. Give you exercise so you weren't just sitting down all day. And if I used the account as an excuse to watch what you'd eat, everything would be fine," he continued, still caressing the skin on my face as if I were precious to him.

Which I could tell that I was now: it was why he did not want to lose me. It was ironic in a way: Here I was thinking that Nelson was trying to get me out of his life as soon as possible; in reality, he was trying to keep me in it for as long as he could.

"Oh Nelson," I said giving him a smile. "I didn't know what you were doing...and I'm an emotional eater. I'm afraid your whole plot blew up in your face: I think I put on a pound or two. But now I know what you were up to, if you really are worried about it, I will try to watch what I eat and get around a bit more if you help me."

"Oh, I'll help," Nelson stated enthusiastically.

"But I want you to know that, besides my mind usually being a mess, I am pretty healthy despite my weight," I told him seriously, "and it isn't like I haven't tried before. It doesn't always work. Will you still love me if I'm not like the after image of Karen Scofield on those ads?"

Nelson hugged me tightly again and kissed my forehead. "Are you crazy? I don't want you to look like that! I love you just as you are! I just want you to be healthy."

I laughed into the same shirt I had also cried on. It was obvious that he was in love with me just as much as Chaz and Brandon had always said that he was. 

We were kissing again until Chaz reminded us of his presence. "Now Chazzy has to interrupt you two for a little lecture. See, Nelson, as I told you the other day after you foolishly made me promise not to mention any of this to Erin, she's a young, healthy girl with the rest of her life ahead of her, one that includes _you_. And _you_ , Erin, my girl have got to stop believing that your beautiful size is going to drive every man you want to be a part of your life away. The only weight problem that exists between the both of you is the weight of your fears...and darlings, didn't you know by now? The weight of any fear is simply what we give to it ourselves."

Nelson and I both laughed as he squeezed my plump body and I kissed his clothed shirt.

"But as a topical aside," Chaz Watley added after clearing his voice, "Sex is _wonderful_ for weight loss."

"As if you'd know," a familiar voice said, and we all looked to see Brandon peeking his head in through the half opened door with a mischievous grin on his face.

"Why you bloody little, fairy!" Chaz stated. "How long have you been there?"

"Oh, I'm _sorry_ ," Brandon exclaimed. "You _expected_ me to really _leave_?"

My now permanently ex boss ran towards the door to chastise his lover own I looked up at my own, whom was looking down at me tenderly. I suddenly realized that I would get the chance to finally make all of my erotic fantasies into realities and felt a sudden surge of insecurity again.

"Nelson...about sex...I've never actually done it before. I'm kind of scared of that too."

"Remember what Chaz just said?" my forever boss reminded me. "About the weight of our fears?"

"Right," I grinned up at him in expectation, exchanging my nervousness for excitement at the thought of finally making love to Nelson Moss. "Then that particular fear is so light it's almost nonexistent."

"If it happens to come back, though, don't worry; I'll be right there with you the whole time," Nelson promised naughtily as he lowered his head and kissed me hungrily.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've gotta say I like the way this little fic turned out. It wasn't my most widely read fic but those whom read it seemed to like it. At least, from the hit point to kudos rate.
> 
> It delved very personally into my history of being overweight. All of these stories are personal, though, and I try to be as honest as I can be. 
> 
> I am trying to lose weight again for health reasons. I lost a bit a few years ago but put it back on after my mom died. But I am NEVER going to try to be like Charlize Theron or someone that skinny. For me, that doesn't look sexy. I always want to be a plus size woman. My ideal weight would be someone like Marilyn Monroe or Rita Hayworth. Somebody that they would label fat nowadays. Dolly Parton in "9 to 5" was such a perfect size to me. Strange though...if you listen to the commentary, she calls herself fat the whole time much to the annoyance of her skinnier co-stars. :/ I prefer Dinah Manoff who says she thought she was fat while making "Grease" but now knows that she was cute. I always want to be a woman with a high pinchable factor.
> 
> Anyway...I'm gonna miss these guys, Nelson the most! 
> 
> And, once again, I liked the way it turned out. I hope you liked it too! :D


End file.
